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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2012|03:16 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[Now Playing |DuSouth - Where I Belong]

I never imagined I would be going through the pain of bereavement and widowhood at fucking 26 years old. Ever. It's already been 2 months since my husband passed away and there hasn't been a single night where I don't cry myself to sleep. Each day seems to be getting worse, and nothing helps to make me feel better, not a single fucking thing. People constantly try to give me words of comfort but they end up making me feel worse, all the damn time, so I choose to isolate myself instead to stop them from making things worse. It's too hard to do this alone, nobody understands what I'm going through. Nobody understand that we both had our entire lives ahead of us, soo many plans, so many dreams, so many hugs, so many kisses so much happiness during our time together, so many memories, soo many moments, soo many smiles, soo many late night conversations, even the fights that we won't ever have again during this lifetime. I don't see how things can possibly get better in the future when he was my everything and now I have nothing. Literally, nothing. No job, no health, no desire to continue living. All I do all day is lay around smoking, drinking, and praying to a nonexistent God to just take my fucking life so I don't have to endure this pain anymore.

And yes, I realize I probably should seek help, but for now I needed to let it all out.
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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2012|01:18 am]
Jarrell
[mood |gloomygloomy]
[Now Playing |Calibre 50 - Al Reves]

- This Ashanti picture makes me nostalgic about times when life was much simpler.
- I need a vacation.
- I absolutely despise where I'm at in life at the moment. It's like every possible bad decision I could make, I made it.
- I cannot wait to listen to the new Maroon 5 and Wisin y Yandel albums.
- I need a vacation.
- I should be in bed right now but I'm whoring Calibre 50 and actually enjoying myself a lot for once.
- Yes, I realize I only post here when I need to rant, or when I'm depressed.
- Bulleted lists are the way to go now that I don't have as many chances to practice my english. I actually have trouble typing paragraphs in english.
- And yes, I need a vacation
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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2011|01:51 pm]
Jarrell
[Current Location |Mexico, Mexico]
[mood |determined]

So I got nostalgic and decided to check this out again.

I haven't made an entry in over a year, but I feel like I need to summarize everything that's happened between April 12 and now.

For starters, I realized the long distance relationship I had, wasn't really what I wanted. I probably tried to hold on to it for soo long because I felt lonely in a new city and so this relationship was the closest to contact that I had. This guy was a complete cheating asshole and while he's very fun and I kept the friendship, I finally realized it jst was not meant to be.

In July a hurricane destroyed my city. I had never seen anything like it before in my life. All this devastation and mass panic was just soo confusing but oh well I guess I'm prepared for these kinds of events in the future.

I met my future husband in September of last year and while we've had our difficulties, and people keep telling us it's way too soon to be living together and thinking about marriage, I say this is the ONLY relationship that's given me true happiness. Something I never had my whole life, so now that I finally found it, I'm gonna make it permanent as soon as I can. Plus, I do love Orlandoand he's physically attractive. Only annoyance is he's not work-inclined and doesn't truly have goals in life, but that's negligible at least for now.

Then I got transferred at work in December! I don't really like anyone except 2 coworkers there, the rest are just plain peeving and I honestly don't care much about them. But hey I did get raise after the transfer and I'm not really there to make friends. I already have enough of them as is.

And lately I've been REALLY interested in being a homeowner. I don't plan to pay rent my entire life so I swear I'm gonna make it happen in the next 5 years or less. Bank on it!

That's all in a nutshell. Who know, I might come back to this and elaborate more about the last year and present events?
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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2010|08:55 pm]
Jarrell
[Now Playing |Bobby Valentino - Slow Down]

So my b/f came to visit for the whole week and now I don't now what to think. He was really cold and distant the whole time and I asked him several times if something was wrong but he said it was just the weather. He's usually a very sweet, uplifting bubbly guy and this time he seemed way off. I'm beginning to think he's not really up for this long distance thing anymore and with good reason because it pains me to say this but I'm beginning to feel the same way. I don't think I'm willing to stay up late every night on MSN or texting when right now what I really need is the physical contact, the hugs, the kisses, feeling like I'm loved and wanted and giving the same things back to someone. I feel really lonely in this city, I miss my family, my friends, my town; and this long distance thing I have with him only makes me lonelier. I don't think it matters though, he hasn't texted me all day and I haven't texted at all either (when before we used to text ALL day) so I think it's safe to assume this thing is bound to fall apart.

So yeah, I'm back to square one. I got the fresh start I had wanted for soo damn long, but I still feel like I don't belong, and with no form of love whatsoever. God, how much more until life stops being this annoying? How much more? Sigh...
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(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2010|12:01 am]
Jarrell
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Now Playing |Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart]

I once promised myself I would NEVER do the long distance thing again, so I'm not really too proud to say I officially have feelings for this guy that lives 8 hours from me. I tried my hardest to fight these feelings but in the end everything failed and now I have no fucking idea how am I gonna get out of this one. He says he's coming for the entire summer, but that's way too far from now, and even when it happens, he will be gone after that so it's a no-win situation.
Long distance never works, I should've known better by now, but it's way too late to be focusing on what I should've avoided from the beginning when I should be focusing on how to get rid of these stupidass feelings. Fuck.
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(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2010|01:44 am]
Jarrell
[mood |awake]
[Now Playing |The Script - Breakeven]

Wow! I haven't posted an actual entry since last summer and boy has my life CHANGED since then. It will probably come out longer than I want it to be, but I feel like I need to describe everything relevant that's happened since then so that in a few years I can look back and reminisce.

At the time I wrote my last entry I had 3 goals in life.

For starters, my last entry was posted a couple of weeks before graduation. MAN! God knows the whole time I was in college I spent every waking second just dying to get it over with. I survived through college based on loans, scholarships, and sacrificing a whole bunch of things. For the longest time it was such a big burden that the only thing that kept me motivated was solely the thought of myself in graduation day. Well, that moment finally became true in late September and I can assure you, that very moment when my name was called and I was heading towards the stage to get my diploma, with my family cheering behind me, made it worth EVERY second I spent struggling in college. I felt soo accomplished that nothing else mattered for weeks! Truly one of the best moments of my entire life. Goal #1: ACCOMPLISHED

Now graduation was in September, but college officially ended in June 30th. The VERY next day, I was hired by the university where I did my internship so pretty much I don't know what unemployment is...yet. The fact that they hired me immediately after finishing college majorly boosted my ego because I thought to myself "damn I must be good if they hire me right away".
That job was amazing. I made a whole bunch of new friends, learned an even bigger bunch of new things, developed plenty of skills, and most importantly, it taught me discipline.
But not only that. It also changed my life in a way I didn't expect. In late August, I was given an assignment that required me to stay out of town for 2 weeks, by myself, with people from all over the country. That was the first taste of independence I ever had, even though all expenses were paid and I was given all meals a day and I didn't have to worry about laundry or cleaning lmao. For the first time, I knew what it was like to live parent-free. Interacting with different people from different places also helped me put A LOT of things in perspective. It's hard to describe it but knowing all those different points of view helped me vanquish some demons I had, and it helped me figure out what I want from life and what I do not want from life.
I came back from that assignment soo rejuvenated that you could see it in my face. People would ask me what I did that I looked soo different lol.
After that, and after graduation, everything went by relatively smoothly for a couple months until my boss got fired, which at first seemed like a bad thing but eventually led to an amazing thing. After he got fired, he naturally started looking for other jobs, turning in applications at a whole bunch of places and luckily he found a job pretty fast. Fortunately for me, one of the companies he applied to, called him a little after he was hired by another one, so he said he was sorry but couldn't accept the offer, BUTTT that he was willing to recommend someone just as capable for the position (me). They did listen to his recommendation and called me for a job interview. Everything went fine, I did good on every step of the interview, and they offered me a job...IN ANOTHER CITY...14 hours from where I was. I couldn't believe it. Could this be the opportunity I've always been waiting on? Could I finally be able to move out, live on my own and be independent which is what I had wanted for YEARS? I was reluctant, with a ton of hesitation and fear, but I accepted. I couldn't believe it, it was happening! I started saying goodbye to friends and family, packing my things and bulding up a lot of hope and optimism to start my new life...and so here I am today, in a whole new city, paying bills, having to cook and do laundry, worrying about surviving until the next paycheck comes...and I LOVE IT! Goal #2: ACCOMPLISHED

The only thing left is goal #3 which is becoming increasingly clear that it will never be accomplished. That is, finding a stable relationship with someone I like and likes me back. The closest thing I got is this dude from Guanajuato, but I detailed that in my past entry so I'll skip that part. I am just tired of dating people I'm just not interested in. It's like why waste my time, money and energy with someone that's just not what I need. Every guy I meet that's interested in me turns out to be incompatible or an asshole or both. I've come to the conclusion I'm doing somthing wrong and that I'm in a fucking cycle I need to get out of, but I just don't know how. I'm only 23, and life is anything but predictable, so I'm trying not to let it get me down, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if goal #3 is doable, or if I'm gonna have to start considering getting cats so I don't have to die alone.
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2010|09:57 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |apatheticapathetic]
[Now Playing |Gucci Mane ft Usher - Spotlight]

So it's no secret that I have the worst luck OF ALL TIME when it comes to love, and lately I've learned to be okay with it 95% of the time, but then there's that other 5% when I start having thoughts along the lines of "why me?", like today.

There's this guy called David and he's just perfect for me! We have soo much in common, he's physically attractive, he's really sweet and pretty much my every dream come true. We met up twice and the chemistry was definitely there and it's definitely mutual, but (there had to be a but, otherwise it wouldn't be my journal entry) he lives 8 hours from me. We call each other all the time and stay in touch through MSN for about 2 months now.

At first I didn't really let it affect me too much, I was like "I'll just try to find someone like him locally" but lately that turned into "I'll just try to find a way to be with him". I know I once promised myself I'd never do the long distance thing again but this one isn't that easy to let go, especially after all the revelations of last night (which will have to remain private for brevity's sake).

And the worst part is he probably has no idea how much harder he just made it for me after everything he said last night. If only he just stopped calling, I could just move on, but then again I would be lying if I said I want him to stop calling me.

UGH! sorry for the ranting. I'll be totally fine tomorrow. Promise!
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2009|05:37 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Now Playing |Patrulla 81 - Como pude enamorarme de ti | Powered by Last.fm]

Entertainment
Eww! I never imagined life without internet and videogames would be soo boring. Whenever I'm at home I have the hardest time finding entertaining things to do. Most of the time I'll read a magazine or listen to music but there are times when even that gets boring. I swear the FIRST thing I'm gonna get as soon as I get my first paycheck is a COMPUTER followed by a PLAYSTATION 3 so I can finish playing fucking Final Fantasy 12 and get prepared for Final Fantasy 13 next year!

Duranguense
So there's a duranguense slump, there are roughly 3 good duranguense songs out right now but DAMN they're all the super shit: Almas Gemelas by El Trono de Mexico, Fue Su Amor by Alacranes Musical and No Hieras mi Vida by La Apuesta. I kinda like it that way: I prefer few amazing duranguense songs than a lot of mediocre ones.

Reggaeton
Wisin y Yandel keep dissapointing more and more everytime, I'm seriously considering giving completely up on them after listening to their latest piece of shit "Abusadora".
I've still to hear Sexy Robotica but if it's as shitty as Virtual Diva then I'll be done with Don Omar as well. But not everything is shitty in this department: Alexis y Fido and Trebol Clan make me tingle with excitement: "Ojos Que No Ven" keeps growing on me everyday even though it's like 4 months old, and "Me Hipnotizas" might just be my #1 song of the year!!!

Friends
UGH! I'll just say that I need an extreme makeover in this department. I'm soo tired of each and every one of my friends. UGH! Can I please get a completely new set of friends?

Love
Love? What's that? I haven't had any form of relationship in the past 9 months, only boring or annoying dates. It doesn't help that EVERYONE I'm attracted to, is not attracted to me; and EVERYONE that is attracted to me turns out to be a queeny flaming diva or physically unattractive asshole. Eww!

Work
My internship ends in 18 days!!! and with that, my college experience also ends. They told me at UAEM that I'm gonna get hired the day after I complete my internship so basically I'm literally getting a job right after I graduate. No unemployment for me woo! The only bad thing is that there's this asshole that annoys me SOOO much! He always brags about how many girls he fucks or about how his superiors complimented him. UGH! Most of the times he'll start talking and I'll just nod from time to time but on the inside I'm like "please drop dead". Other than that, work is the only place where I actually feel like I fit in. My coworkers are sooo cool and the security guy is SOOOOO hot! I wish I could spend all day at work!

Clubbing
Boring boring boring. My favorite club is starting to whore out the same songs and it's getting annoying. Every new club that's opened this year is just more of the same. I need a new club with a different concept instead of just copying the same formula that only appeals to mid and upper class clubbers. I'm going to this new club tonight but from what I've heard it's just a carbon copy of other clubs, they better play some reggaeton/duranguense and there better be hot people so I don't feel like my night was completely wasted. UGH! If only I wasn't soo addicted to clubbing...

So um yeah I don't think I need to explain further to convince anyone that my life is VERY annoying at the moment, and it has been that way for a while now. By now I'm 100% sure that things will only get better if/when I get my FRESH START
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(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2009|05:39 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[Now Playing |Khriz y Angel - No Me Conoces | Powered by Last.fm]

I was perfectly happy until my Playstation 2 broke last week. Can somebody give me one so I can finish playing Final Fantasy 12?! It would make my life THAT much better!
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Yuck [Jun. 4th, 2009|12:23 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |blahblah]
[Now Playing |Don Omar - Virtual Diva | Powered by Last.fm]

EWWW! Virtual Diva is growing on me, someone plz shoot me?
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2009|12:04 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |morosemorose]
[Now Playing |Day26 - Bipolar]

So the world has been on edge for the past few weeks because of this flu and naturally being a citizen of the country where it originated, it affected my life to some extent. I'll try to summarize the events during the nation-wide shutdown from my point of view.

It all started on Friday April 22nd when I was at my internship and my coworkers were talking about people in Mexico City being affected by some flu. I didn't pay much attention to it, I thought it was only a common flu outbreak.

By Sunday April 24th it was everywhere on the news and people around me started to panic. I kept thinking it wasn't that big of a deal.

On Tuesday April 26th it was official: this new flu became an epidemic and the mexican government started advising people to stay home. It wasn't long until the streets started to look ominously empty, and the few people you saw outdoors were mostly wearing those surgical mask thingies. It was just soo surreal! It's like you only see these things in movies or somewhere very far from you. You never imagine something like this could happen where you live, specially when you're used to seeing the city soo alive day and night. The fact that it became dead overnight was pretty frightening I must admit.

Things really hit the fan for me on Wednesday April 27th when on my way to internship I walked by classroom C9 early in the morning. One hour later there were people from health services saying there was a confirmed case who indeed was in classroom C9. They isolated everyone who might have been in contact with him for 6 hours, including me. Around that same time the government announced that all schools were to remain closed until May 11th and all restaurants, clubs, churches and pretty much all public places...and I was isolated. An hour later a strong earthquake was felt and well with all of this piling up I obviously panicked to the point where I almost had an anxiety attack. I was ordered to stay home for the next 48 hours in case I was indeed infected with the flu, they said if I don't show symptoms in the next 48 hours I'm good.

Thankfully I wasn't infected and everything went back to normal in the following days. Of course the country was still shutdown and there was absolutely nothing to do. No clubs, no cafes, no nothing, but the forced vacation was more than nice. Still, I feel like it was all a story someone told me, all very surreal. Now with shutdown being lifted yesterday, things are surely going back to normal in the next days, or so I hope, since this thing keeps spreading and it's pretty much worldwide now.

The one thing that makes me sick is the people that claim this was all made up. EWW! Maybe they need to be isolated for 48 hours to know this crap is real.
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Music [Apr. 16th, 2009|05:24 pm]
Jarrell
[Now Playing |Khriz y Angel - Dance (Feat. Wayne Wonder) | Powered by Last.fm]

So let's talk about music!

First let's talk about albums! I've been playing the shit out of Raphael Saadiq lately. His latest album The Way I See It is just amazing! He managed to take the 60s motown sound and make something very intriguing of it. The higlights of the album are 100 Yard Dash and Big Easy.
In the reggaeton department, Alexis y Fido and Tito El Bambino are fucking fire with their latest albums Down to Earth and El Patron respectively. I hate the eurodance/reggaeton hybrid shit that's been coming out lately but Alexis y Fido managed to make some hybrid songs and get away with it. As for Tito el Bambino, his album is just soo urban and amazing, specially the masterpiece that is his first single Under.
I've also been whoring the hell out of Trebol Clan even though their album came out last year.

Now let's talk about dissapointments. Wisin y Yandel and their shitty latest single Mujeres In The Club featuring 50 Cent is just soo boring, generic and just plain horrendous. How did they go from being the best reggaeton artist to...this?
Also Ciara's latest piece of shit Love Sex Magic is just soo damn annoying! I used to be a big fan of her but she seriously lost a whole bunch of points with this garbage.
And last but by no means less shitty, we have Don Omar and his utter piece of crap Virtual Diva. It's soo fucking boring that even the most hardcore fan would fall asleep to it. Nothing happens in the entire song and I just don't get why he released that shit as first single.

And finally I'll list my favorite singles at the moment:
- Alexis y Fido - La Cama (Part 2)
- Eminem - We Made You
- Calle 13 - Electro Movimiento
- Cartel de Santa - Hay Mamita
- Katy Perry - Thinking of You (sort of a guilty pleasure but not really)
- Raphael Saadiq - 100 Yard Dash
- Kudai - Morir de Amor
- Tito El Bambino - Under
- Bow Wow ft Johnta Austin - You Can Get it All
- Chrisette Michelle - Epiphany
- Grupo Montez de Durango - Espero
- K'Jon - On The Ocean

Overall I'm just not too into mainstream music anymore, could it be because most mainstream music completely sucks these days or maybe because I became one of those elitists that only listen to obscure stuff? Eww! I hope it's the first choice.
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2009|05:29 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |restlessrestless]

So Mini-Alexa still remains, mostly because my computer is broken and I have very limited internet access at the moment. No MSN or AIM! I still haven't figured out if I hate my friends or not, so until I do, I'm gonna stay M.I.A.

Work is cool, and my internship is even cooler. I became friends with everyone at the office and I gave everyone drag queen names, they're soo popular! Everyone addresses each other by their drag queen name. I got "Natasha" which isn't too queenish so it's all good I think. I also became friends with my boss and we go play pool every thursday and just gossip about the other interns and talk shit behind their backs lfr! Soo fun. I've been pretty much guaranteed a job there once the internship ends which is awesome because I'd be paid twice as much as the average newly graduate.

Been dating a couple guys but again I don't see myself being officially with any of them. One lives in another state, another revolves in a completely different social circle than mine, and the other isn't too...physically attractive (but if I were to officially be with someone, it would be the last one). I don't know, I guess I'll go with the flow and see where things go.

So all in all, things aren't really bad lately, but they will be better once I graduate and start making money.
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(no subject) [Feb. 28th, 2009|03:46 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |contentcontent]

WHOA! I had a GOOD date today! Last time I had a good date was 6 months ago! See? I told you. Mini-Alexa does wonders every single time! <333
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UGH! [Feb. 25th, 2009|10:01 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |rejectedrejected]
[Now Playing |Khriz y Angel - No Me Conoces]

Seriously why do people suck sooo much?! It's not even funny anymore and it's starting to really wear me down. I know I sound like a Good Charlotte song but I fucking swear it's me against the world lately, and I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep up with it. I thought 2009 would be a great year but so far it's been the exact opposite. What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I wanna just give in and be like them, but that would just be the easy way out and I've never been a fan of doing things that way, so I'm just gonna stay strong and STAY TRUE TO MYSELF. Right now the satisfaction of knowing I'm still me after everything that's happened is the only thing I have to keep me going everyday.

EDIT: Actually you know what? I've been postponing mini-alexa for too long but it seems like it's the only viable option to get out of this slump. Mini-alexa always provides an effective way to run away from problems and, in most cases, solve them. Plus, what else do I really need besides clubbing on weekends? It's official, mini-alexa begins tomorrow!
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(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2009|11:18 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |moodymoody]
[Now Playing |Banda MS - El Mechon]

So I really wanna give Ke something interesting to read but truth is I have absolutely nothing new to update about! My internship is cool but pretty much a giant routine, my friends continue to annoy me, my dating slump remains, I'm still a club whore and I still feel like I don't belong anywhere. The only new thing would be that I started going to the gym again about 2 weeks ago and well that's it. I swear sometimes I feel like watching a fish tank for 47 consecutive hours is a lot more fun than my life. Can I plz go back to late 2004/early 2005 where my life was eventful and I was happy?
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(no subject) [Jan. 30th, 2009|07:00 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[Now Playing |Nigga - Dime Si Te Vas Con El]

I need to resist the urge to go clubbing this weekend with the homez, which is by far the hardest thing I've had to do in a while considering I've been a major club whore lately. Being in debt totally sucks ass!

EDIT: Nevermind that, my friends didn't even have to try too hard to convince me. I'm soo fucking weak when it comes to clubbing. They better play that new TITO EL BAMBINO "Under" or at least the latest KHRIZ Y ANGEL "Na De Na" I'm soo tired of this fucking club always being late with reggaeton and playing only the old stuff like "Te Quiero", "Escapate", "Pose", "Perdoname", "5 Letras", "Siguelo" etc.
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2009|07:57 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Now Playing |Trebol Clan - Wow]

Wow, long time since my last update. Reading my last 10-15 entries made me notice I've been very pessimistic the past few months. Thankfully that ended as soon as 2009 started. I have a lot of goals to accomplish this year and I believe with all my heart that this year will be a turning point in my life. I mean I'm graduating in about 6 months!!! That's such an accomplishment specially since dropping out crossed my mind on numerous occasions and I struggled with financial issues through most of the 5 years college lasted.
I'm gonna be thrown into the real world as soon as I graduate, but I'm not only prepared for that, I'm also very excited!

Other than the sudden rush of optimism, my life has been very boring and annoying lately. I'm still on winter break which is cool because I get to refill my energy and stamina, but I'm doing absolutely nothing! and everything is one giant routine. I don't hang out with friends (they annoy me lately), I don't go to the gym (I'm majorly lacking motivation), I don't go to parties or the club (I need to save money to get out of debt), I haven't been involved with anyone in like 6 months (every fucking homo I meet is either not my type or not interested in me) etc., but I have faith all this will end as soon as the semester starts!

Ohh and why are Khriz Y Angel sooo fuckin amazing?! I've been listening to their latest album Showtime eveyday since last June and I'm still not tired of it!!! Fuck Wisin y Yandel and their eurodance shit, I have a new favorite artist! Khriz y Angel FTW!!!
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2008|11:06 pm]
Jarrell
[Now Playing |Lil Rob - Summer Nights]

FUCK! I really really really really REALLY wanted to move to Cali. Can I please get something right for once in my life?
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2008|01:08 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |restlessrestless]
[Now Playing |Keyshia Cole - Heaven Sent]

So apparently the best time to write entries here is the day after clubbing haha and today is no exception!

I can't get myself to talk to guys. If someone makes the first move everything is completely fine: I'll talk fluently and I won't get nervous whatsoever, but when it comes to me making the first move I'll get completely paralyzed that I can't even say "hey what's up" to the person. It's not even the fear of rejection because I've been rejected a few times before and it doesn't really feel THAT bad for it to be a hinderance. It's also not about lack of confidence because my self-esteem right now is at a healthy level, or so I think. I keep trying to find out what could possibly be the reason for me to be SOO afraid to make the first move but none of the reasons I come up with are valid enough, yet I still can't get myself to overcome that fear...maybe I just like my comfort zone too much?
I know that life is for the taking so I better wise up and take it quick, because it is short and I'm not getting any younger so I'm making a promise here that next time I spot a guy I like, I'm gonna approach him! I'll tell you how it went lol.

In other news, tomorrow is the decisive day: the day where it will be decided if I'm moving to Cali next year or not aka I'm gonna know tomorrow if I got the scholarship or not. It's scary that my entire future will be decided in just a few hours, but I'm pretty optimistic this time everything will work out my way, after all, I don't have another choice but to be optimistic, do I?
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2008|10:59 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |pensivepensive]
[Now Playing |Khriz y Angel - Que Nos Vean]

It's not that I feel lonely. No. I think the real problem is that I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I'm just the nice guy that talks to everyone yet somehow can't really connect with anyone due to lack of common interests and/or unability to relate to peers. I've never had a true best friend, you know the kind of friend you do everything with and tell everything to. I've never belonged to a group where I can say "yeah I fit in here" (well I did in 11th grade but that's a different story).
I've always had weak family bonds and while I know my family cares about me (and I care about them just as much) I just have the feeling that I was switched at birth and my family should be another one. I'm not close to any relative like most people are. You know everyone has a favorite sibling or cousin or uncle or aunt or parent. I don't.
I've never had a boyfriend that truly cares about me. My first boyfriend cheated on me, my second boyfriend was a mistake in more than one sense, and my third boyfriend...well I won't even get into that.
I constantly feel like my entire social circle is too average and ordinary for me to even bother building ties with others and I honestly feel like I should start from scratch and move on to an entirely new and different environment.

I don't know my place in this world and I never have, but I believe with all my heart that I'll find it once I move to Cali. But with me probably not getting my scholarship, and with the United States under crisis, moving to Cali seems more and more like a pipe dream with each day that goes by.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2008|04:45 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[Now Playing |Keyshia Cole - Losing You (Feat. Anthony Hamilton)]

OK so my boss is a total cunt. She keeps postponing my paycheck without even letting me know. I mean I can understand she's going through serious financial and legal issues right now, and I really wouldn't mind waiting a couple more days to get paid if the fucking cunt told me as a fucking courtesy that my paycheck will be delayed, BUT NO, she just "mysteriously" dissapears on pay day and I have to come back later during the week to get paid. This is the 3rd time she does it and it's really getting on my nerves, I mean I work out of necessity (sp?) not out of boredom. I feel that this thing she does is soo unprofessional that I want to quit, but right now I really can't afford to lose this income. UGH. I totally and completely hate being a grown-up. Can I go back to like high school please? 11th grade if possible.
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Happier days! [Oct. 9th, 2008|11:00 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[Now Playing |Bow Wow & Omarion - Girlfriend]

I'm bored, and I'm really nostalgic about the past so I made this list of times in my life where I was happier, sue me!

Read more...Collapse )

Whew! I feel SO MUCH better now!
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2008|04:50 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |refreshedrefreshed]
[Now Playing |Dave Hollister - Never Gonna Change]

There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and I don't even know the person staring back at me anymore. I have changed so much for the worse in the past few months that I think I'm losing my very essence only to adjust to the environment and circumstances.

But then I meet mexicano_moreno123 or go to Brown Pride Forums or listen to Dave Hollister's Never Gonna Change and I'm reminded that I need to stay true to myself and the rest of the world can either hate it or love it!
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Spic [Sep. 20th, 2008|05:40 pm]
Jarrell
[Now Playing |Mariah Carey - I'll Be Lovin U Long Time]

I've decided: I'm gonna talk more like an actual fucking spic from now on!
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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2008|11:07 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Now Playing |Brandy - Right Here (Departed)]

So I applied for a scholarship today and they'll tell me in October if I'll get it. This is only the first step to get out of this damn country. IF I get the scholarship (emphasis on IF) then I can apply for a visa in November, and if I get the visa I'll only have to focus in saving money to move out as soon as I graduate. It's gonna be a long and very difficult process but I believe with all my heart that in the end it will all be worth it.

I'm basically taking a break from every form of social life I have (except clubbing with my buddy Alex) which means no phone, no AIM and most importantly no MSN. I don't wanna deal with people right now. People can be such assholes sometimes and apparently running away is the only thing I'm good at.

But it was a very long exhausting week so right now all I care is I'm getting my very much needed sleep!
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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2008|03:14 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |confusedconfused]
[Now Playing |Field Mob - Sick Of Being Lonely]

I think I need a fresh start. I've always wanted to move to California and I'm gonna try my hardest to make it happen by next year after I graduate. By that time I won't have any more ties to Mexico. I mean I don't have any true friends here, maybe just one and even that's debatable. As for my family I kinda feel like I've become more of a burden than an asset. My parents get really upset everytime I go to the club and come home until 8am and with the whole coming out issue I think they're dissapointed in me. Not that homosexuality is something to be dissapointed but they were raised to believe that so I think everyone will be better off if I leave. The only thing that keeps me in Mexico right now is college so after graduation seems like the perfect moment to get a clean slate, maybe then I'll finally feel like I belong somewhere...and if I don't, I can always go back! I'm trying not to think that far ahead because I don't wanna add uncertainty to my list of worries. I'm enough of a mess as I am right now!

But man! Last night was the most fun I've had in months. There's this new club in a neighboring town which is amazingly cool. They're actually up to date with music and have plenty of variety (unlike all the other clubs I go to). But the thing I liked the most was the people! it was full of real down to earth guys (some even dressed as reggaetoneros!!!) and not just the queeny flaming divas that are sooo common in the gay community. Some strangers would even say hi and small talk to you! I guess it was just the small-town hospitality but it was such a breath of fresh air to be in a place full of warm, non-elitist people. Needless to say it's officially become my favorite club and I can't wait to go back next week even though I promised myself my club-whore spree would stop!
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(no subject) [Aug. 31st, 2008|05:46 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[Now Playing |Brandy - Full Moon]

I can't do this. How did I get to this point? It's sooo painful to wake up every morning and realize every form of motivation I once had is now gone. I honestly can't think of a single person I can turn to for sympathy or comfort. My family doesn't accept me for who I am and my friends are either just looking out for themselves or have their own drama to deal with. No one to turn to. Problems are at an all time high in my life: I still have financial issues, I'm overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my future, my school situation is stressful to say the least. I feel exhausted, lost, abandoned, lonely, stressed and hopeless. I can't do this.

I am not okay, but if you ask me I'll probably deny it.
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Open letter to Damian Estrada [Aug. 22nd, 2008|06:48 pm]
Jarrell
[mood |pensivepensive]
[Now Playing |Anthony Hamilton - I'm a Mess]

So I stole the idea of making a letter from a friend of mine, somehow I need to sort out all my feelings so my head can stop being a damn mess.

Open letter to Damian EstradaCollapse )

To send it or not to send it...that's the dilemma.
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2008|12:18 am]
Jarrell
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[Now Playing |Mandy Moore - Nothing That You Are]

I feel sooo stupid for believing everything he said. And the worst part is I think this one is gonna be hard to get over.
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